(WARNING EXTREMELY LONG POST): I am writing this as a memory for myself so I will never forget my past, how God has blessed me, and have a testimony of my faith for my children. I have been working on this all week, but just getting to finish it.
I year ago yesterday (Friday), I experienced the most terrible day of my life thus far. And yes, I say most terrible, because seeing my helpless child lay in the NICU with things stuck all to/in him and leaving him each day for a week was extremely painful for me, but I knew he would be okay. This time last year, I didn't know if I was going to be okay, and had no idea if I was living out my worst fear of my life...being too sick to take care of my child/dying before my children are grown.
It began six weeks prior to this date, as I began feeling horrible...extremely fatigue, headaches that progressively got worse, extreme vertigo, and even some AM nausea to the point of vomiting. I immediately thought I was pregnant, because some of the symptoms are alike, just not so extreme. After 6 weeks of Dr. visits, where I was "diagnosed" with everything from inner ear problems to stress related health issues, I begged my family Dr. to send me for an MRI after standing my case of how badly I felt and my great past health report and lack of Dr. visits. Seriously, I had been healthy as a horse and RARELY ever go to the Dr. He gave in and sent me.
On Friday, Sept. 7, I found myself in the Dr.'s office waiting for my results after demanding for my MRI report to be sent as quickly as possible and an appt. be made in advance to discuss these. My Dr. office, wished to just wait until they came in (which could take a week), then make an appt. for me. I discussed (as politely as possible) that I talked to the MRI Tech and she said that my results should be back by this date (a few days after the MRI) and I wanted an Appt. for that afternoon. I know they thought I was a witch, but I was sick of the run around and feeling more horrible each day (that had lasted for 6 weeks...enough was enough). After waiting forever, my Dr. sees me to tell me he still doesn't have my report, but he wants to discuss some stress issues and possible meds he felt would cure my health problems. Just then, a lady from the front office, comes in to say she has my report. The Dr. takes the report while I am sitting in the room with him and I see a sudden look of dismay on his face as it goes completely white! Keep in mind that I have seen this Dr. as my family Dr. for years as well as everyone else in my family and K's. He then proceeds to tell me the news...I have a brain tumor! Immediately he asks for K's number and calls him to come to the office where he proceeds to tell him the same thing. After going through a few of the "report details" with us, he continues to tell us that he wants to send me to Duke. He told us of a case he had before that went there and is now doing great. Then, before he leaves, he prays with us! At this point, I am too shocked to cry and fearing telling my family. Even then, I felt God's hand around me and had a sense of peace even though I didn't know if I was going to live or die. Immediately upon leaving, K calls first our pastor to tell him of the news, and then our families to tell them to meet us at the house. Next comes the hardest thing I had to do...tell mine and K's family of the news. The hours of the rest of the day dragged on but flew at the same time as reality set in...shedding of tears, praying, and thinking. Thank God that I am blessed with family members close by that took care of CR so he would not have to "experience" any of this. And thank God for my pastor and friends that came to my side from that day until the end of this journey. My house was flooded with close friends praying with us, bringing us dinner, and just being there for us. Later that evening, I got a call from Duke. They had me scheduled to come in the next Wednesday to see the chief of neurosurgery...Dr. Allan Friedman. Another wave of panic set in...I didn't know whether to be happy that I was going to be seen so quickly by the chief of neurosurgery or to be scared that something must be terribly wrong that I got to be seen so quickly and by him.
The next 5 days were the slowest of my life! Hour after hour of each day drug by as I endured much pain, sleepless nights, no appetite, anxiety, and fear for myself and my family. However, in these 5 days, I gained a greater peace from God that He was in charge and I would be okay. Prayer after prayer flooded over me and through me. I could feel God at work through my prayers and the prayers of so many other people! I am most grateful to these people for their prayers, visits, cards, and other acts of kindness that were shown for me and my family. I am so blessed to live in a community that cares and have such great brothers and sisters in Christ that live out the walk of Christ and their faith. They were such an inspiration to me and my family in ways they will never know! They helped make this time in my life livable!
Wednesday morning FINALLY arrived, and my family (K, mom, dad, and K's dad) made the trip to Duke. K's mom and family (sister) stayed behind at my request to make sure that CR was taken care of and no one was ever alone with him (as I knew this would be very difficult for them to be here awaiting the news as well). We left home for the three hour drive not knowing what was in store for us...whether we would have to stay, what news would be given, and what was in store for the days to come. One thing we did leave with though, was a wealth of love, prayers, cards, scripture, and even goodie baskets that overflowed with anything we may possibly need while on our stay. Once again, God provided me with a peace that things would be okay and reminded me of how blessed I am to have these special people that had showered us in prayers and acts of love. The trip up was the longest but shortest 3 hours. I still was in much pain and car riding made it worse while being very anxious to get there. I don't think the speedometers ever went below 80 MPH. I rode with my parents while K was driving our car with his dad. I didn't want to leave my parents alone for the ride and they had a bigger backseat to rest in. Not much rest took place...I tried to watch a DVD on CR's portable CD player, but that didn't work either. Finally we got off the Duke hospital exit and I saw the chapel from a far (again, upon seeing this site, I was reminded of God's hand over me and peace came upon me). This place was massive and unlike any hospital I had ever seen. From its size, to its cleanliness, and professional manner of its staff...I knew I was at the right place!
We entered the clinic (where we had to wait to see the Dr.), filled out a ton of paperwork, and waited. A nurse came to take my vitals and everything showed up great (as it had the entire time I had been sick). I had lost 8 pounds in 5 days though, all from not being able to eat. Finally it was our turn...we got escorted to the hospital to the Dr.'s immediate office (it reminded me of a college professor's office, just a little bigger). Before we were able to go in, we had to wait until he was finished seeing another patient. We were told to wait in one of the main waiting rooms of the hospital that were filled with loved ones of people in surgery. My mind raced trying to figure out why they were here and my heart hurt for my family as I knew they would be in a similar situation soon. The noise and busyness of that area of people talking, walking, Dr.'s strolling through, and patients being wheeled through, made my head hurt worse. Thank goodness, I didn't have to sit there much longer. In the Dr.'s office, were couches where we were seated by the PA (physician's assistant) and then entered Dr. Friedman. Above my head was a wall of x-ray panels where my MRI reports were later seen. Dr. Friedman went over all the details of my case, showing us the MRI's and explaining to me what he saw. Basically, he felt very good about my case, but would no nothing for sure until we did surgery (a crainitomy to remove the tumor). The tumor was not really the cause of my sickness, it was the cyst that had developed on top of the tumor. He explained that the tumor itself was about the size of a golf ball, but the cyst on top was about the size of 1/2 a baseball smashed. He proceeded to make me to some exercises to demonstrate how the tumor was affecting different things (sight, coordination, etc.). He then asked me to spell world backwards and how many nickels were in $1.35. I failed both questions (even with my family trying to help me in the background). Dr. Friedman didn't appreciate their help...and told them that it was not a group effort. Although I have to admit I would have failed the second question with or without a brain tumor. I was very embarrassed, but realized quickly that this was a normal part of my brain tumor along with all the other symptoms I was having including it effecting my emotions (pushing on that part of my brain). The PA was ordered to call to set up my surgery and MRI's and CT scans. Dr. Friedman basically told whomever the PA was talking to to clear me a spot for the next Friday and make a spot for all the scans he wanted that day. It was a done deal! It is amazing what authority can get to happen! The rest of the day was long and draining, as I had to drink 2 bottles of a nasty artificially flavored banana contrast (I will not have anything banana flavored to this day), poked and prodded with needles, and scanned so much I felt like I was glowing. Finally at 6 PM, we were able to leave Duke to return the next week for surgery. I felt horrible. I was in the worst mood after being poked and prodded, scared of the results that still were not given to us, and the fact that I was in pain, and tired from the trip. The major dose of steroids that I was on to keep the swelling of the tumor down was not helping matters either. With each hour, my condition kept getting worse. On the way home, we stopped for dinner at AppleBee's somewhere between here and Duke, and I remember having to sit in a certain spot so that I could see everyone without turning my head. The pain was that bad by this point. I couldn't even stand to turn my head to the left. I tried to rest the ride home, but that didn't happen. My mind raced of the days ahead and my future. I complained all the way home about not having any more answers about my condition. We really did, but I was upset about not having my MRI and CT scan results that would indicate if it was an isolated tumor or there were more. The night was horrid! I had bad dreams and didn't sleep much at all.
The next morning at 7:30 AM, Duke calls. My heart raced as I answered the phone. It was Dr. Friedman's PA. He told me that Dr. Friedman wanted me back at Duke by 1:30 today to be admitted and surgery done tomorrow AM. I panicked...thinking it must be bad news...I guessed that the MRI results and CT scan results had come back bad, even though the PA told me that he had not gotten them back yet. K's plan for the day to go to work, as well as the rest of our family changed. We were leaving in a few hours to go to Duke again. I quickly tried to throw some things in a travel bag, but I was a wreck. I didn't even know what I was packing. My entire family was in a mess, as they didn't know what to think either....we were not supposed to be back to Duke until next Friday (a week later). I spent the rest of that AM trying to get myself together, but trying to spend quality time with CR and my grandma that came over to visit before I left. It was a very emotional time leaving CR and my family behind as I didn't know the road ahead of me. Yet, I had to keep it together so CR wouldn't see me upset. This was a feeling I will never forget and NEVER want to experience again. I spent the trip in prayer, in scripture, and in tears! We arrived at the hospital where they were expecting me, got my admittance papers filled out, and attached a hospital bracelet to my wrist. I was then sent to my room for the night where I would be prepped for surgery. All of the necessary procedures were done, and Dr. Friedman came by to visit to do his "risks of the surgery speech"...basically the 8 things that could go wrong. Bless his heart, Dr. Friedman is an AWESOME Dr., but he lacks bedside manner. He scared me to death and then walked out. I was ready to leave. I wasn't going to go through with the surgery...I wanted to go home to my baby boy and live life to the fullest with him. I was quickly reminded by K that unless I stayed there and had the surgery, I would not live to see my baby boy any more. I changed my mind about leaving and K got another Dr. (one on Dr. Friedman's team) to come in and calm me down. He did a much better job of explaining the surgery and reassured me that things would be fine. We also got the results from my MRI's and scans the day before...everything looked great. What a relief! This helped to face the night ahead. We spent the rest of the evening in my hospital bed together, praying and watching movies to keep my mind off of the surgery. Thanks to my friend Ashlyn who bless her heart pulled anything she could find out of her pantry that AM and made care bags for us. K and I had fruit snacks and juice boxes while we watched movies! Our other goodie baskets and bags were in the hotel room with my parents.
7AM came the next morning and I prepared for surgery, anxiously awaiting. I was told to be ready by 8. My family arrived from the hotel to spend time with me, my brother and sister-in-law made the trip and came in to visit, and my pastor came in to visit and pray again with me. By 10 AM and still no surgery, my nerves had about taken all they could stand. I begged for them to hurry up. About 11, they came for me. I was lead in a hospital bed down long halls until I reached the pre-op doors. It was time to tell K good bye...again I lost it! The nurse did allow me to hold on to my picture that I wanted to take with me to surgery...the cutest family pic of us that was taken when CR was 9 months old. He had the most adorable smile on his face and was waving. I had to take this with me to remind myself of why I was going through with this surgery. I was taken to pre-op where I was prepped for surgery and asked questions. After sitting there alone for a long time, I began to get very anxious again. I began to look at my picture and get tears in my eyes again. But again, God provided...he sent a "angel" nurse to me. This was a sweet older lady that saw me looking at my picture and came over to talk to me. She talked to me about my picture, my surgery, and my faith. She reminded me of the scripture and God's promises...reminding me that I only needed faith as small as a mustard seed and God would take care of the rest. My spirits began again to get lifted and I asked her to go tell my family that I was fine. She did. She also told me that once they took me back to surgery, she would take my glasses and my picture for me to my family (because they would not allow me to have these in the operating room). She stood by me, held my hand, and reminded me of scripture the entirety of the rest of my wait. She then told me right before I went back that she would check on me when I got out of surgery. She truly was an angel sent from God, because I don't think I could have sat there alone without her.
When I awoke from surgery, I remember my first question was, "was it cancer?" I was told no that everything was great! I went back to sleep for a while after that. The next thing I remember is K and my family visiting me in the ICU recovery room. I thanked God for what He had done and slept pretty good that night! The next AM I was up and walking down the hall. I also had the best cheese and grits! Later my family returned and they were told I was moving to a room. I was able to get a shower and feel like a normal human again in my own clothes. I spent the afternoon watching Clemson and Duke play...for once not caring who won.
I was released from the hospital Sunday, but I had to spend the next few days in a hotel for monitoring. Finally I was able to return home to my little boy on Tuesday. It was a blessed reunion! I had returned home a new person! Not only did I feel like a new person without the pain, but God had given me a second chance to life. My prayer is that I never forget to live like that!
It is so weird how God works sometimes! It truly proves that we may not always understand God's plan and it may hurt terribly at the time, but it is best. I only hope that I can use my story to someday help someone else...that is my prayer...for God to use me to bring back glory to himself. I would also urge anyone that doesn't believe their is a God to talk to me...the blessing after blessing and miracle after miracle that He allowed through my situation can easily make it evident that there is a God.
Having experienced such an event that you don't know if you will live or die through it changes your way of thinking. Things that I used to care about or worry about don't matter. If I lose all the material possessions I have, I am still blessed....I am allowed to live a healthy life again. Praise God that He has my life in His hands!
Below are a few cherished pictures of Duke that I took during my few days of stay to recover.
One of the first images you see when you pull up to the massive hospital.
A portion of the hospital. It stretches on both sides and back for a long way.
The
gorgeous chapel at Duke looms the skyline.
Full picture of chapel
The road leading to the chapel. The inside is just as magnificent as the outside.
The doors of the chapel
Duke...to forever I will cherish!
